Intimidation Factor

I have been told many times that I can be very intimidating. So now I must ask.... what the?? So my question to you all is... the first time you met me, did you feel at all intimidated? If so, why? If not, why not? And since that first time, have you been intimidated? Like I said, I'm trying to improve myself... and I certainly don't want to be scary!

A few ideas

Well it is good to know I don't creep people out too bad! I think that this blog, whether people read it or not, is helping me figure out this strange time in my life. Things are going well here. For mother's day, my mom said all she wanted was to be left alone. So I kind of forgot it was mother's day at all. I think I stayed home after church and ate a lean cuisine. Not very special at all. Mother's day is different in my situation! I've started having an accountability journal of sorts.. for those of you who served missions, you know that we had to keep track of our numbers, and each week we would be asked about them.... aka held accountable for what we had done that week. Each day, I write down some numbers of my own... things I'm trying to improve on. For instance, I write down my weight, how much I spent that day and on what, and if I read my scriptures. All of those things are areas I need to improve on. I've found that I've done so much better with my money and scripture reading. As for weight? Not really... but at least I'm more aware of what I'm up to!

A money saving tip: For an AMAZING organic household cleaner, mix one fourth mixture white vinegar to four parts water. This cleans glass better than glass cleaner, and works wonderfully on every surface!

Opinions please!!

Okay, I hope that my previous blog didn't creep you all out. Since no one responded, I hope I didn't offend anyone's sensibilities. Please let me know if I did. But mostly, I find that these blogs are helpful to me in sorting out my thoughts. Here are some more I've had lately.
I'm wondering if I am a cheapskate. To be Frank, I do not like being around people who are annoyingly "money aware." No, this is not a jab at you Mark, because you are the only exception to this rule. But other than Mark, people who are always trying to save a buck bug me. So what bothers me the most is... I think I am one of them. Ok, I know I am one of them. And I think that this is one thing that makes me unhappy. I'm doing so well lately discovering things I need to improve on, and so I would like your help. How do I be "money wise" without being a scrooge or a cheapskate? For example... tips... how should I do them with the little money I have, without having to feel like a jerk? Or, when I'm asked to donate money to a cause, I often feel like... why should I donate when I don't have enough to pay my own bills? But I don't want to feel like that, and I'd like to donate. How can I save money on expenses while still maintaining a decent standard of living? So first of all, I'd like your opinions on me. Do I come across as needy, a moocher, freeloader, or a money jerk? Please, be honest... I need to know because I want to improve! Second, any great ideas on how to save money? I will be posting random bits on my blog when I hear great ways to save money. So pass them on!! Thanks my friends!

Queer Thoughts (be warned... not for the mollys and peters)

I'm reminded of a character on a tv show saying in response to something snarky about her son, "Oh I don't even know yet if I'm going to make him gay or not." Lately I've been wigging out about making Hyrum gay. What if there is something I am doing or not doing that will make him gay? Is being a single mother going to "make it happen?" And what if he did decide he was gay further down the line? And for that matter, what if Adelaide decided she was? Would I care? Would it bother me more one over the other? I think yes, I would care. And yes, I think it would bother me more if Hyrum were gay over Adelaide. I'm not sure why exactly. I know I would love them no matter what, but I would be sad that they had to deal with all the crap that is involved with being gay. I know this is controversial within the LDS community, but I don't believe people "choose" to be gay, but that they are born with the tendancy to be so. Like everyone, we choose what to do with the feelings we are given. I hope that they would find a way to be okay with their lives and feel good about the decisions they made. Which got me to thinking about me. My sister always tells me I sound gay. Just the things I say I guess. I've never really thought about it. It used to bug me so bad when she'd say that, like I had something to defend. Perhaps since I'm chubby or because I've had "interesting" short hair styles, I felt the need to prove I wasn't gay. And now, it makes me laugh. I could not care any less if people thought I were a lesbian. So what? I know I'm not. However, I like to think of myself as sort of a non-sexual. Or a closet heterosexual. :) I'm just not interested in that. I never have been. While certain friends of mine were into talking about how certain aspects of guys were sexy, I wasn't really. Oh, sure, I pretended, so I wouldn't "sound gay." Not that I didn't notice a good looking or sweet guy, but I didn't think "Oh baby... " like the others. Mostly I just didn't care. For those of you who don't believe me, I'm sorry. It is actually a great way to be. While being married and doing "married things" was part of the job, it wasn't the best thing, and I don't care if I die without those "married things" ever reentering my life. It is nice to feel loved by others, but more important to feel loved by YOURSELF. I feel like this part of my life is a huge self discovery and self acceptance journey. It has been liberating and wonderful. And so, I'm"outing" myself as NOT INTERESTED.

Bit of a Rambling Rant

So I was up all night, thinking about the past couple of days. I must agree that the part I hate about spring is all the dang spiders coming out of hiding and into my home. Damn spiders! Yesterday I gathered up all of my kids old clothes and got rid of them. I know what you may be thinking, "That is a mistake... you'll want them when you have more!" Truth is, I don't want any more children. Quite frankly, I don't care if people think I'm a bad Mormon for thinking this way. They can shove it. I've thought so much about this... my mom said she knew she was done after Daniel was born. I had very spiritual experiences knowing about the children I was going to have before I had them, and now I know that I don't want any more. So there. In my truest and deepest heart, I do not see myself every remarrying in this life. Yes, I'd LOVE to have more children, but only when I'm IMMORTAL. And I'd LOVE to be remarried, but only when there are guys who aren't idiots... So the only hope is to wait until the next life. And even then, if I have to be a ministering angel, I'm sure the people I minister to will keep Diet Coke in the fridge for me. I find that after being divorced, being single is like a new lease on life. When I was married, all the decisions I made, from what food I bought to how I spent my time, were criticized. So being on my own, the renewed independence I've found is AMAZING!! Why would I ever want to go back to that? True, not all guys are like that, but I enjoy doing things my way. When I was single before kids and marriage, I was VERY independent. When married, I quickly became unsure of myself and co-dependent. When I was single, I was lonely, now, being divorced, I feel neither single nor lonely... just content. As long as I can remain financially stable,(no, rich will never happen) I can see myself living happily ever after... as a single mother. Okay... if any of you post that I will change my mind, I will tell you to shut it. Because I ALWAYS leave the possibility of me changing my mind there. I always allow myself the right to feel what I feel now, and change my mind later. Nothing wrong with that. For me, holding on to the past, or hoping for some unseen future makes me VERY unhappy. So the plan for me is to take GREAT care of the two children I have now, and only change the things I myself can change, and only look forward to the things that I myself can create. I'm tired of hoping some guy will come out of nowhere and save me. Even when I think about it I get nervous, because I don't exactly want that to happen. I don't want to remarry and have the pressure of having children because he wants to. I don't. I want my body to get in shape, and my life to form into something resembling a life I can control. Just me. Doing the best I can to help my children, and being a little more self centered. Got a problem with that? Take it up with someone who cares. As always, I love hearing your feelings and thoughts, just not pertaining to me being wrong about mine. :)