Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Queer Thoughts (be warned... not for the mollys and peters)
I'm reminded of a character on a tv show saying in response to something snarky about her son, "Oh I don't even know yet if I'm going to make him gay or not." Lately I've been wigging out about making Hyrum gay. What if there is something I am doing or not doing that will make him gay? Is being a single mother going to "make it happen?" And what if he did decide he was gay further down the line? And for that matter, what if Adelaide decided she was? Would I care? Would it bother me more one over the other? I think yes, I would care. And yes, I think it would bother me more if Hyrum were gay over Adelaide. I'm not sure why exactly. I know I would love them no matter what, but I would be sad that they had to deal with all the crap that is involved with being gay. I know this is controversial within the LDS community, but I don't believe people "choose" to be gay, but that they are born with the tendancy to be so. Like everyone, we choose what to do with the feelings we are given. I hope that they would find a way to be okay with their lives and feel good about the decisions they made. Which got me to thinking about me. My sister always tells me I sound gay. Just the things I say I guess. I've never really thought about it. It used to bug me so bad when she'd say that, like I had something to defend. Perhaps since I'm chubby or because I've had "interesting" short hair styles, I felt the need to prove I wasn't gay. And now, it makes me laugh. I could not care any less if people thought I were a lesbian. So what? I know I'm not. However, I like to think of myself as sort of a non-sexual. Or a closet heterosexual. :) I'm just not interested in that. I never have been. While certain friends of mine were into talking about how certain aspects of guys were sexy, I wasn't really. Oh, sure, I pretended, so I wouldn't "sound gay." Not that I didn't notice a good looking or sweet guy, but I didn't think "Oh baby... " like the others. Mostly I just didn't care. For those of you who don't believe me, I'm sorry. It is actually a great way to be. While being married and doing "married things" was part of the job, it wasn't the best thing, and I don't care if I die without those "married things" ever reentering my life. It is nice to feel loved by others, but more important to feel loved by YOURSELF. I feel like this part of my life is a huge self discovery and self acceptance journey. It has been liberating and wonderful. And so, I'm"outing" myself as NOT INTERESTED.