Saturday, May 2, 2009

Bit of a Rambling Rant

So I was up all night, thinking about the past couple of days. I must agree that the part I hate about spring is all the dang spiders coming out of hiding and into my home. Damn spiders! Yesterday I gathered up all of my kids old clothes and got rid of them. I know what you may be thinking, "That is a mistake... you'll want them when you have more!" Truth is, I don't want any more children. Quite frankly, I don't care if people think I'm a bad Mormon for thinking this way. They can shove it. I've thought so much about this... my mom said she knew she was done after Daniel was born. I had very spiritual experiences knowing about the children I was going to have before I had them, and now I know that I don't want any more. So there. In my truest and deepest heart, I do not see myself every remarrying in this life. Yes, I'd LOVE to have more children, but only when I'm IMMORTAL. And I'd LOVE to be remarried, but only when there are guys who aren't idiots... So the only hope is to wait until the next life. And even then, if I have to be a ministering angel, I'm sure the people I minister to will keep Diet Coke in the fridge for me. I find that after being divorced, being single is like a new lease on life. When I was married, all the decisions I made, from what food I bought to how I spent my time, were criticized. So being on my own, the renewed independence I've found is AMAZING!! Why would I ever want to go back to that? True, not all guys are like that, but I enjoy doing things my way. When I was single before kids and marriage, I was VERY independent. When married, I quickly became unsure of myself and co-dependent. When I was single, I was lonely, now, being divorced, I feel neither single nor lonely... just content. As long as I can remain financially stable,(no, rich will never happen) I can see myself living happily ever after... as a single mother. Okay... if any of you post that I will change my mind, I will tell you to shut it. Because I ALWAYS leave the possibility of me changing my mind there. I always allow myself the right to feel what I feel now, and change my mind later. Nothing wrong with that. For me, holding on to the past, or hoping for some unseen future makes me VERY unhappy. So the plan for me is to take GREAT care of the two children I have now, and only change the things I myself can change, and only look forward to the things that I myself can create. I'm tired of hoping some guy will come out of nowhere and save me. Even when I think about it I get nervous, because I don't exactly want that to happen. I don't want to remarry and have the pressure of having children because he wants to. I don't. I want my body to get in shape, and my life to form into something resembling a life I can control. Just me. Doing the best I can to help my children, and being a little more self centered. Got a problem with that? Take it up with someone who cares. As always, I love hearing your feelings and thoughts, just not pertaining to me being wrong about mine. :)


Mama Corleone said...

Oh Laura. I completely understand this email. There was a point when I was single when I thought the same way. I started giving away everything. I actually went to the laundry building at Wymount and posted a paper saying, "Free! Crib mattress, high chair, girl baby clothes...etc." I just gave it all away.

I know some may think differently, but I think you kind of have to get that mindset in order to be productive in your situation. You really can't sit around waiting to be saved. It hinders your progression, and sets you up to lower your standards.

I acknowledge that this post has a bit of a jaded edge to it :) but I think that is an important part too. And I agree with a lot of it, even though I am remarried now. It's hard to go from a bad marriage to a good single life (even though I was poor etc. it was SO great to only have to answer to me and God)and then to contemplate getting married again. But a good marriage is worth losing a little of that independence.

I am glad you see that not all men are like your ex. I think your story is far from over. You're wonderful, hang in there!

Oh, and AMEN to the "damn spiders" comment. I hate spring.

britta said...

You go Laura!!!! You can do anything! You are strong, and you have God on your side! We love and miss you! Mark had such a nice time talking with you the other night- :) He, and I, think the world of you! We can't wait to see you and your little family!

Wendy said...

i think that that is a healthy attitude. your priorities are straight- taking care of your precious children and yourself and not looking for someone to save you. we love you and pray for you. you are great. and like you said- you can always change you mind...if you want.

Brown's said...

Loved it!